of late, i realised i have been losing a little part of me
bit by bit
disorientated..
and i felt like i am missing something
something deep in my life..
jaded- I am..
i asked myself - what is it that is missing intensely in my life
and deep within me , a small vibe of passionate spirit flickered
and there i sensed that is the missing piece of me
well it was actually the cosmic connection which i am missing - in whole
i am missing home
the connection in being One with the Source/Light
that Divine connection...
and now i am longing for it
my heart is aching to be heading back to it
to be back on track
perhaps i am fated for something else
a different adventure
i need to keep pursuing it -no matter what
in the process of it, i could not help but to bear heartaches and the situation of being hurt..
and i learnt-that is how I grow.
now, I have to carry on
"Keep going Mala"
this is what i have to tell myself..
and in the process, i have learnt a great lesson that is - whatever that is beyond my capacity , i have no control/attachment to it. thus i need to keep flowing at ease & gently..
with the Divine blessing,may it shall be..
life has always been unpredictable.
yet fragile in its nature.
...where i get the mixed touch of life; both the heartwarming & heartwrenching.
and here i am
just a little broken being - living life by enjoying little things, meaningfully
broken-because i have lost my loved one,and keep losing them..
i am a loser.
and a lost being too
deep down
heartaches & tears became my friends.
i have learnt that there are certain matters that i can't do in my life..
i can't make people stay
i can't make them trust or even love me
i can't be good(enough) for them
i just can't be what they want of/from me
i have tried my best too -
sharing all the good moments
cherising fun together
precious moments
meaningful details
i have
tried
and now i surrender,feeling weak
and still believe that love will never die
i will always live in it - silently
and keep going on....
that is all i could do for now...
for your happiness.
i shall leave with no traces - and a heart full of love
and good memories too - of your gentle heart & touch
i asked myself : why being in love - is hard?
i am just a soulful being, longing for divine love.
but there seemed to be no answer.and it is alright.
i guess it is meant to.
and i will keep telling myself "It is okay.It is alright Mala"
to cry,let go and move on-slowly.that is the only way i could see.
i am going - far away.with no traces.
leaving.with the unconditional love.in me.
on my own.
away.
my breath went out of control and my mind started to take control over me
it made me restless.in lethargy
somehow i tried to connect to my deeper self..and i asked my beating heart
what is it... that it misses...
then i lengthen my breath- breathing in deeply, while at the same time mentally connect to my heart
in my mind, came a mental projection of India - i can see & feel the flowing Ganges (Ganga Maa) river and witness the other beauty that lies deeply in India
and how i long to be back to India again...
I really wish I could-intensely
One day..it shall be...
now it is just about a struggle: me and this little anxiety of mine..on this earth plane
have you ever watched this wonderful movie AWAKE: The Life of Yogananda?
It is a great biopic (released in US year 2014) on the much respected yogi,Paramahansa Yogananda-author of the Autobiography of a Yogi.
The movie eventually depicts his quest for enlightenment and sharing his struggles along the path.
It is an eye-opener, even the heart!
actually..i have always been wanting to watch this movie for quite some time
but
due to some copyright or country restriction issue,it is not viable to be watched online in this country
initially,i got it once-but not for long though...
after many efforts for the movie,i went quiet on it
instead, i got back to my continuation of Autobiography of a Yogi reading,in few attempts too
and to humbly share a few meaningful events which took place during my reading - i was blessed with the greatest opportunity to visit Paramahansa Yogananda's house in Kolkata
it was not an easy one - but i guess if it is meant to happen,it will (even through hardship)
We(me & my friend) are blessed to make our way to Yukteswar Giri ashram in Serampore,Paramhansa Yogananda uncle's house and many other divine holy places.
Hence,our Ganga Yatra (Sept 2016) is blessed by Paramahansa Yogananda & the other Divine Masters..
And lately,after many trials...i came to complete my reading on "Autobiography of a Yogi"
personally- it was like a wonderful achievement,more alike Sadhana which at first, i almost gave up
and i got back to the book (few times) after long gaps - especially the part where Yogananda meets his Guru,Swami Sri Yukteswar Giri
and with the yatra which i went lately,it somehow boosts up my reading (yes,challenges still came by through delays)
also with my last clinic visit - i happened to be at the final chapter of the book and my doctor's sharing gave another dosage of boost
added with the amazing opportunity to go to KL SRF was truly an amazing blessing too :)
thus life unfolds,mystically..significant events came by,one after another
and finally - i have come to the completion of the book.
it was not that easy-but it was of great worth
and yes - next, i get to watch the movie
how greatly rewarding it is
it was indeed a rare opportunity
the movie left me in tears.deeply affecting me..
and i pondered ,rightafter...
why after a long time - i get to watch the movie?
and i think i got the answer too
maybe i am meant to watch the movie after i complete my reading
to upkeep the flow which also requires the discipline
that pretty much sums up to an ultimate understanding of : things will come/happen at the right timing
i guess the divine wants me to complete my reading and then flow with the rest
how nice... :)
and i also believe - when one goes through challenges or hardship to attain/achieve something..it becomes a sadhana...and upon achieving it through hardship,the feel would be of different.
it will be more appreciated and yet precious,that you value it more.
with that, i am counting & cherishing my blessings-day by day
may the Divine be with me...
and here they are the links of the movie,incase if you are keen to watch it..when the time comes...
1) http://vidzi.tv/9ln8wp7j4aet.html#close (please ensure that you crossout the "x" on the video link, then you will be able to see the full thumbnail view of the movie, and then click on the Play button)
